Adoption month: What being an adoptive dad has taught me

What comes to mind when you think of November? If you’re like most Americans, probably things like falling leaves, football and turkey. Well, here’s one more thing you can associate with the 11th month of the year: adoption. Yes, as you may (or may not) know, November is National Adoption Awareness Month.
Our family’s adoption journey began in 2008, when my wife, Whitney, and I tied the knot.
Our daughter, Madison, was born in 2011, and our son, Zach, entered the world in 2013. One thing that made Zach extra special was that he was born with a rare genetic syndrome called Treacher Collins (the same syndrome Auggie has in the book “Wonder,” if you’ve ever read it). When Whitney and I found out that we were carriers, we decided to continue building our family through adoption.
After a lot of tears, prayers and uncertainty (yes, adoption is beautiful, but hard!), we were overjoyed to welcome strong, independent William into our family in 2019, followed by the mischievous yet lovable Quintin in 2021. Going through the adoption process and being an adoptive dad for the past five years has taught me a lot.
Here are just a few of the lessons I’ve learned:
When people find out we adopted, they will often say something like, “Wow, that is so amazing. You guys are incredible.” It’s as if they put adoptive parents on a pedestal because they think of adoption as a heroic act that could only be undertaken by the ultra altruistic.
While I know these comments come from a good place, they’ve always made me a little uncomfortable. In my experience, adoptive parents aren’t more loving or caring than others, they just decided, due to various life circumstances, to build their families through adoption.
Another comment we hear when people find out we’ve adopted is, “Your kids are so lucky.” Again, I know these comments come from a good place, but they make me uncomfortable.
One, this assumes that we swooped in and rescued our kids from a horrible situation, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Two, it implies that we did our kids a favor by letting them be a part of our family and that they’ll be forever indebted to us. These are obviously things no parent would ever want their child to feel. If anything, my wife and I feel fortunate that our boys were placed in our home and entrusted to our care.
“So who’s your ‘real’ family?” It’s a natural question when someone finds out that a friend is adopted. But the person asking it doesn’t always realize the underlying message: that their friend’s adoptive family (in some cases, the only family they know) is fake or doesn’t count.
I can tell you that our family is as real as they come. We play, laugh, fight, cry, sing (often off-key) and dance together. Our adopted kids are our real kids just as much as are our biological kids. And we are their real parents just as are their birth parents. In short, our bond isn’t artificial. It’s authentic.
It’s easy when viewing anything from a distance to paint with broad strokes and make sweeping generalizations. A few I made about adoption were that all kids are adopted as infants and that all adoptees feel a sense of loss and want to be reunited with their birth families.
Through conversations with adoptees and adoptive parents, I’ve had my eyes opened to the fact that no two adoption situations are the same. I’ve learned to be open to everyone’s experience and perspective, even if — especially if — it conflicts with my preconceived notions.
One of my fears in the leadup to our first adoption was that I wouldn’t feel a connection with my new son. I was therefore pleasantly surprised when I felt the same surge of joy, love and pride holding William for the first time as I had when I first held Madison and Zach. And it’s not just our adoptive children we’ve connected with. We’ve also formed strong relationships with our sons’ birth families — they’ve become a cherished part of our family as well. All of this has expanded our circle and helped us better understand the human heart’s limitless capacity for love.
Adoption is all about opening our minds and hearts to others. Even if you don’t have a connection to adoption, you can still get into the spirit. For example, you could adopt a new perspective to see life from another’s vantage point … the practice of showing empathy … or a new friend into your group.
As a naturally shy and reserved person, I know that making room for others takes effort and courage. But I’ve found that when I do, my life becomes richer, happier and more meaningful. This November, I encourage you to give it a try.